I believe I'm settling into the quintessential me that will be for the rest of my life. I know there will be plenty of adaptations and learning, but they will address the particulars. I have found the essence and nature of me, and the rest of my life will be spent fine-tuning and applying. I started getting this feeling leading up to my 22nd birthday and have somewhat been validating it thereafter. It's a comforting feeling. It's a direction towards that "experienced, comfortable old man" I've always wanted to be and felt inside me. So what is that exactly? What is it that makes up this concept of an identity I call myself?
I believe in love. After all the spiritual, philosophical, existential, transcendental etc... questions that lead up to "What's the point of it (life) all?", love is what transcends. It is the purest, most valuable, and fulfilling thing we could do/create with this life. How one does so doesn't matter as much as the pure intention of it. With this as my core, it resonates throughout the rest of my being.
I want to help humanity, and I want to do it directly. I've spent my whole life being a keen observer of human behavior. Why do people do and think what they do? I know most do this, but I don't think to the same thoroughness that I do. Then I asked myself, "Why do I care? What's the point of my observations?" I find that for one, people are my favorite art, my favorite book, my favorite movie, and so forth, thus most interesting. I think they are the most dynamic, possibly surprising subject in all of life. Secondly, I want to relate so I can connect. I want to connect so they can matter to me, we can matter to each other, we can beautify and share each others' experience of this existence we call life.
As far as how I can help humanity directly, I know communication has a lot to do with it. My ability to communicate is something I cherish and find I have a natural knack for. I find it is my best means for connecting. I'm all about intimate conversation. More than anything, how people are feeling at the present moment about life is what matters to me.
I find that I very much cherish beauty, wonder, and just sheer interest in life. It is what gives me fervor for life. If I find that I am not somehow awed or at the very least interested in some anything about what I am experiencing at whichever moment in life, I am very much numb to it. It is the recurring negative episode that happens to me. I just get bored for life. Little of it affects me. I never really got mad, and I don't get terribly sad anymore, but the worst for me is I get a little paralyzed to it. My reasoning for why I think it's negative is because I can't appreciate it on any scale. I feel like a spoiled child, given the gift of life, and I can't even appreciate it.
These days, I've been able to will myself, in a sense, to appreciate it. I just get back to the moment and realize it's all I've got. As Adam, truly a kindred spirit and brother to me, would say, "Eternity is Now." So simple, so true. I hope these words affect YOU (reader) at all. I love you. I wish you well :)
