the patience of a tree.

let me stand here erect
as i provide more shade
underneath,
the foundation of roots disperse like meteor showers
ready to flower more life

let leopards climb
humming birds hum
and beez buzz
there is enough room for everyone

cool, calm, and collected
a redwood i stand to be
because if man does not cut
we grow infinitely...

*sighs*

Oh heart and mind, the seeds of complication.

How we search for something defined.

A place where you ARE aligned.

Something of an intuition to guide us through our ever-changing situations.

But last, you do not.

A synchronicity felt in passing moments.

Leaving me in doubt.

Dare I have faith and open the possibility of naivete? Possibly.

I guess that's what hope is about.

We don't know.

And that's truth.

Each time I open up for something more and feel temporary reward,

I end up learning but with uncertainty all the more.

Not so sure. Not so worried.

Hello.

It's been awhile. I know I started writing because writing seemed to catalyze good things for me. Some sort of production, some sort of concreteness to the ideas that flow in and out all day, everyday. Inspired by a fellow "blogger," I've decided to revisit it.

Wow. It's been a whole year and some change since I've written something about myself. I'd hope that after a year I could brag about all the growth and new insight I've come upon. Unfortunately, I'm not so confidant. Much less a new, profound insight and much more just trying something different is all I can say. To an extent, it's emerged out of a sense of desperation. A need to be declarative about what and how I'm doing in life. What does that entail exactly? I'm not so sure, yet not so worried. I'm going day to day, with the "real world" goal of achieving my Bachelor's. Other than that goal, I'm trying to make sure I can get up in the morning, and do something worth while with my day. Something that hopefully brings me a smile or a laugh, and if not, something to be okay about. It's become that simple. I just want to be okay with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing... day to day.

I had a conversation last night with someone I regard to be a thoughtful, mature, life-questioning individual. And given all the "intelect" that we bring to the table, at the end of it, we both felt like we just shouldn't take life so seriously. There's no great conclusion that is supposed to appease us for the remainder... no matter where you're at in life. We go and we continue and we adapt and make adjustments along the way, and hopefully, at the very least, we can laugh some. We can realize that life is but a stage. We play roles that we decide to for a given time, and then switch it up. It's the nature of things.

That made me feel alright. That made me feel not so sure and not so worried about who I decided to say I am, and what I decide to do for the time being.

Just to get one in for July.

We live in succession, in division, in parts, in particles. Meantime within man is the soul of the whole; the wise silence; the universal beauty, to which every part and particle is equally related; the eternal ONE. - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Over-Soul"

People have different ways of tapping into this. For me, I seek it out in "the wise silence." I listen to what makes no audible sound, but is always ringing around us. It is inescapable. It is a common ground found from within that I can harmonize with the external world. It is like the Earth in its place in our galaxy, in our universe. We share space. We are connected. On an atomic level, if sound is a proton, neutron, or electron, silence is the space in between. And how interesting that atoms are mostly composed of this space. So yes, I turn to silence as my home base, my existential compass. This silence is peaceful. It is calm. It is confidant. It is free of worry. It is free of fear. And if this is home, there are times when I like to go out and socialize. What's beautiful is the ability to share your home, share your silence. That is love. I've often described a lover as like coming home. Come home to silence. Come home to love. It is inherently in us.

A little more from less.

I've often felt that I can learn the same harsh lesson from less harsh experiences or even appreciate the same overwhelming joy from a less overwhelming experience. I asked my mom if this has always been something I've done, and she conceded. It's made her work as a parent easier, and it's made my life easier as well. It's allowed me to make the same essential mistake with half the consequence. It's like messing up in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship as opposed to a marriage. True, it's relative; but that's where it becomes a matter of imagination almost, and empathy really. Hearing stories of other people's plights, I automatically put myself in their shoes. It allows me to see enough of that reality to be somewhat prepared for it.

I think A LOT. In that thinking, I make myself FEEL. It's possible to do too much of it and get lost in a reality that's never actualized, but at least I can snap out of it and get back to reality. There is what goes on in mind, and then there is what I do with those thoughts. It's wonderful. It's like a constant test-run to everything. And yes, there are somethings one can never prepare for. I embrace those too. They are beyond me. I humble myself to them. But, to most of life's trials and tribulations, I can react wisely because I've already ran through it. I've already rehearsed.

Just to get the fingers rolling.

These days, my wants don't surpass my haves. It's a wonderful thing but does require a bit of readjusting. It's strange going from less to more of what I want and still needing to pause. It's funny that whether I move from "negative" to "positive" or vice versa, I always need to take a deep breath. I need that second to take a step back and say "Wow." These days, after that step and that "Wow," I smile contently. I am at peace. I am happy. I am grateful. I guess that's just how I appreciate things good and bad. With a step back and a conscious decision to step back in. Funny. All that said, my mind rests at ease. Love.

Compensation.

My faith is renewed in Emerson's ideas on compensation. He believes in natural law and not just in relation to plants and animals but in the universe and our human souls as well. Life is in motion. As a human manifestation, we have choice. We can put out anything we want. The spectrum of "negative" and "positive" is wide; whether they are negative or positive is dependent on our intention. I want to do good, I try to do good, and it IS being reciprocated. Not because I deserve it, but simply because it is natural law. It needs no thanks, merely appreciation, and I do. I really do appreciate it. Thank you Life. Thank you Love.