The past and memories.

I used to be able to view the past and apply it positively to the present, whether it be a lesson to learn or simply cherishing that I've already had a beautiful life. Lately, certain good memories are too much to bear.

The other day, I woke up unhappy. I didn't know why nor did I try to figure out why. I just felt it. While at work, I was making some mocha (one of those mundane tasks that allow you to get lost in thought), and revisited a memory of a beautiful girl I "had" once. A girl I connected with and got myself emotionally invested in. Someone I allowed myself to be vulnerable to. I almost cried. It seemed like a fantasy, a dream. It was a life I once lived but didn't matter because I no longer lived it. It's so strange how the past can sometimes feel like it never happened at all. Foreign. Memories like this feel like they are stored away in an ice-case and sent off to drift away forever. Nowadays, I don't feel the warmth of the past, just the bleak reality of its absence.

I'm sure all this will pass sometime. 'Till then.  

Hm...

I don't think I've been content for a long period of time for a while now. That's kinda weird. It makes me feel bipolar. And, it's not the extremity part of bipolar, it's just the inconsistency. I haven't given it a lot of thought, but I think it might be true. I don't know what it is exactly. It could be possible that I'm just not feeling all I want to feel out of life. I feel most of it and I love most of it, but in a sense I still feel incomplete. I guess I could say I feel "unfulfilled." Gosh, this is whining. This is me being a spoiled child. I feel apologetic, but I'm just gonna keep exploring this. I guess I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I know so much. I've felt so much. I've experienced so much, and yet I have room to feel discontent with life. Oh... (sigh) my... I'm blogging this because to an extent I feel uncomfortable/self-conscious expressing these kinds of feelings to people directly. I feel like such a downer, and if I can help it, I don't do that. When I'm directly with people, I want to be a source of love and positivity. That's where I can separate how I feel and what I do: when I'm around people. I guess that's why I've been more anti-social lately. I figure if I'm gonna feel this way and act on it, I may as well be alone. No sense in wasting the time you share with someone. And it's not that I think there's anything wrong with that per se, but I feel alone in that aspect in my life. I'm not sure if I have an intimacy with anyone to do that with. A dear friend shared with me once that, "Sometimes. We just lay next to each other and cry." That sounded so beautiful to me. It still does.  

A simple life.

I think I have a simple, tranquil state of being that I gravitate towards naturally and consciously. I hold it as a paradigm of how I want to perceive and live in the world. I want to adore my simple moments, from moment... to moment. And I want to appreciate them calmly and slowly, on a peaceful rhythm and tone. I started thinking that when I noticed most of the music I prefer to play when I'm by myself is all very chill. The way I try to carry myself throughout the day is on an even keel. I enjoy excitement, but I prefer quite appreciation. 

Cycles

The last time I was in my funk, being numb, I started tripping on the idea that this is bound to happen throughout my lifetime. My life will go through the seasons, and this will be one of them. The feeling that this is something I might never fully get over made me feel so cynical. It was strange because it was the first time that thinking of life and its cyclical nature made me feel worried. Usually, when I think about life going through cycles, I embrace the hope that there will always be ups, but this time I realized it is a double-edged sword, and this numbness will probably be a constant affliction of mine. That made me brood over my funk even more.

Then, I realized if/when it happens, I just gotta ride it out. It's silly to feel a future that hasn't even happened. I regressed into getting lost in a possibility. I told myself awhile ago not to waste my life on "What ifs." That's just how life goes. This or that may arise, and I gotta be down. I'll deal with it when it comes. I can't expect to solve my future problems now. I'm sure I'll get better at dealing with it too. I'll live. I'll learn.

Anyway, I'm better now. I don't feel so lost. I just know I gotta feel it all out. There'll be a break in the dissonance. And best of all, I've got the support of so many beautiful people to help me through those times. :-)

Intention

Sundays have a serene air to them. I guess I've turned it into that. It's the day I don't have to do anything, no obligations. That's important for me. I need a decent amount of that on a daily basis, but in the course of a whole week, I need a whole day of it. Whether the week is hectic, frivolous, or somewhere in between, Sunday I try to hit that "refresh button." I take it slowly from this to that all the while holding on to some sort of clarity. It's like rubbing your eyes clear. I reflect a lot. It's usually a day I allow myself to be taken away by thought, sometimes lost in it.

Today, I reflected on intention. I believe it's the basis of all interaction. And not necessarily what the intentions are but even non-intention. That can be good too. Intention is something I've tried to cultivate myself into being constantly aware of. "What are my intentions?" or "Do I even have any?" It's fundamental because ever since I've comprehended the full meaning of a hypocrite or hypocrisy, I've been careful not to become one or get caught up in it. I don't want to have hidden intentions or ulterior motives. I don't ever want my word or character to be questionable. I mean well. I am trying to do good. (That may be an overstatement.) At the very least, I don't mean harm.

It surprises me how often good intentions yield sad or hurtful results. People get hurt, and to feel at all responsible for someone's pain or suffering is something I try to avoid at all cost. It's a big catalyst for my self-questioning. "This is what I want or want to do. This might hurt him or her. Should I do it anyway?" It makes me try to find my balance between living my life for all its potential, which can be selfish, and being altruistic, which is all about selfless compassion. I don't want to hinder on my life, but I also can't ignore how my actions affect others.

I can't lie. When I really think about, the most trouble I've run into in regards to this dilemma have been in dealing with females. Whether it was the actual female, the female's friend(s) or my friend(s), I've had to be weary of hurting someone, and someone has gotten hurt. It's been traumatic in the sense that it's a constant red-flag not to do it again. The depths of the pain that people have had to endure makes me feel terrible:

- I ended a relationship after 2 years and some change of utter true love and she wasn't ready for that, not that someone should be or anything, just a statement of fact. Explanations don't matter for the pain that comes after. I didn't experience that, but I can understand and try to empathize, and that leads me to my apologetic reaction even though my intentions were pure.

- I followed through with a relationship with someone, whom my dear friend, a brother really, had pursued for 3 years. They had previously been in love, experienced it through and through together, and to my brother, she seemed to have become a source of life, motivation, and future. And then, almost simultaneously, as she realized that they would not spark that same old fire, she saw me. She told him how what he wanted would not happen, and in a sense, this allowed the connection between us to further. My brother had to deal with the reality that she was no longer in love with him, and now his brother (me) would pursue and possibly get to experience what he sought after.

Those are the two major ones. I have inadvertently hurt two of closest people to me, and I never meant to. We have made amends and for that I am grateful. That they didn't exit my life with resent. Still, that is the trauma that haunts me. It gets so convoluted when dealing with females for me. It's because there is so much emotional investment. And I think, specifically to do with me, because I love the female counterpart so much, it's the area I really can't be ignorant to. Also, it's the area I don't think one can master or figure out completely. It's an ever-evolving dynamic between two people. When something sparks, I've got to follow through. It may be an excuse for some, but for me, when the possibility/actuality of love arises or subsides , I let it take over. In letting it take over, it's hurt some.