Hm...

I don't think I've been content for a long period of time for a while now. That's kinda weird. It makes me feel bipolar. And, it's not the extremity part of bipolar, it's just the inconsistency. I haven't given it a lot of thought, but I think it might be true. I don't know what it is exactly. It could be possible that I'm just not feeling all I want to feel out of life. I feel most of it and I love most of it, but in a sense I still feel incomplete. I guess I could say I feel "unfulfilled." Gosh, this is whining. This is me being a spoiled child. I feel apologetic, but I'm just gonna keep exploring this. I guess I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I know so much. I've felt so much. I've experienced so much, and yet I have room to feel discontent with life. Oh... (sigh) my... I'm blogging this because to an extent I feel uncomfortable/self-conscious expressing these kinds of feelings to people directly. I feel like such a downer, and if I can help it, I don't do that. When I'm directly with people, I want to be a source of love and positivity. That's where I can separate how I feel and what I do: when I'm around people. I guess that's why I've been more anti-social lately. I figure if I'm gonna feel this way and act on it, I may as well be alone. No sense in wasting the time you share with someone. And it's not that I think there's anything wrong with that per se, but I feel alone in that aspect in my life. I'm not sure if I have an intimacy with anyone to do that with. A dear friend shared with me once that, "Sometimes. We just lay next to each other and cry." That sounded so beautiful to me. It still does.