Intention

Sundays have a serene air to them. I guess I've turned it into that. It's the day I don't have to do anything, no obligations. That's important for me. I need a decent amount of that on a daily basis, but in the course of a whole week, I need a whole day of it. Whether the week is hectic, frivolous, or somewhere in between, Sunday I try to hit that "refresh button." I take it slowly from this to that all the while holding on to some sort of clarity. It's like rubbing your eyes clear. I reflect a lot. It's usually a day I allow myself to be taken away by thought, sometimes lost in it.

Today, I reflected on intention. I believe it's the basis of all interaction. And not necessarily what the intentions are but even non-intention. That can be good too. Intention is something I've tried to cultivate myself into being constantly aware of. "What are my intentions?" or "Do I even have any?" It's fundamental because ever since I've comprehended the full meaning of a hypocrite or hypocrisy, I've been careful not to become one or get caught up in it. I don't want to have hidden intentions or ulterior motives. I don't ever want my word or character to be questionable. I mean well. I am trying to do good. (That may be an overstatement.) At the very least, I don't mean harm.

It surprises me how often good intentions yield sad or hurtful results. People get hurt, and to feel at all responsible for someone's pain or suffering is something I try to avoid at all cost. It's a big catalyst for my self-questioning. "This is what I want or want to do. This might hurt him or her. Should I do it anyway?" It makes me try to find my balance between living my life for all its potential, which can be selfish, and being altruistic, which is all about selfless compassion. I don't want to hinder on my life, but I also can't ignore how my actions affect others.

I can't lie. When I really think about, the most trouble I've run into in regards to this dilemma have been in dealing with females. Whether it was the actual female, the female's friend(s) or my friend(s), I've had to be weary of hurting someone, and someone has gotten hurt. It's been traumatic in the sense that it's a constant red-flag not to do it again. The depths of the pain that people have had to endure makes me feel terrible:

- I ended a relationship after 2 years and some change of utter true love and she wasn't ready for that, not that someone should be or anything, just a statement of fact. Explanations don't matter for the pain that comes after. I didn't experience that, but I can understand and try to empathize, and that leads me to my apologetic reaction even though my intentions were pure.

- I followed through with a relationship with someone, whom my dear friend, a brother really, had pursued for 3 years. They had previously been in love, experienced it through and through together, and to my brother, she seemed to have become a source of life, motivation, and future. And then, almost simultaneously, as she realized that they would not spark that same old fire, she saw me. She told him how what he wanted would not happen, and in a sense, this allowed the connection between us to further. My brother had to deal with the reality that she was no longer in love with him, and now his brother (me) would pursue and possibly get to experience what he sought after.

Those are the two major ones. I have inadvertently hurt two of closest people to me, and I never meant to. We have made amends and for that I am grateful. That they didn't exit my life with resent. Still, that is the trauma that haunts me. It gets so convoluted when dealing with females for me. It's because there is so much emotional investment. And I think, specifically to do with me, because I love the female counterpart so much, it's the area I really can't be ignorant to. Also, it's the area I don't think one can master or figure out completely. It's an ever-evolving dynamic between two people. When something sparks, I've got to follow through. It may be an excuse for some, but for me, when the possibility/actuality of love arises or subsides , I let it take over. In letting it take over, it's hurt some.